Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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