I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
