I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
