You're my little dorito
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
