Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
