I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I wish there were birth control emojis
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
