i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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