i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize