just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
