If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Randomize
