So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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