You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
