I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
