The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
