I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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