you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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