she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
