so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
