you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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