just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
