I'm so fucking centered right now
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
it glows. i had to have it.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
