I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
It's official drugs can't kill me
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
