I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
