i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Let's get the cat blown out
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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