She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
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I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
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Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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