I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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