god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
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Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
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My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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