Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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