Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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