I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
