I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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