I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
