Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
