i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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