Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
