I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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