My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
