I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
