I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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