Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm always down for nudity.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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