Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
