Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
