Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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