We got so high we made milksteak
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
