...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
