Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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