The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
