She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
