im holly from the hills drunk
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
