i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
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