woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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