Can Purell be used as lube?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
