turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
