I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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