Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I feel great
I just peed on a car
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
