How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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