im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
